After over an hour of seemingly futile pushing, alas, we finally meet! I gazed down at my new wriggling gift awkwardly fumbling to place him comfortably on my chest. No one ever told me how to do this! But before I could overthink a thing, I got lost in him.
Minutes felt like seconds. He tilted his head toward the voices of mama and dada – our familiar tones were more clear, more visceral than ever before. With courageous might, he lifted his head and tried to open his eyes. But they were swollen and heavy. At last, he rested his head on my chest and warmth overcame us. And then, like I’ve always imagined, he latched! Wow, I thought, it’s just working how it’s supposed to work! After the post-delivery adrenaline faded, there’s happiness and exhaustion. But rather than snooze and snuggle, we were checked by a nurse. And then another nurse. Then we were greeted by a midwife. Then a doctor came to visit, and another. Then more nurses. And, then, came the lactation consultant... She was well educated and approachable, but spoke quickly and told us many things that are nearly impossible for a drowsy brain to secure. I tried desperately to heed the consultant’s advice… If he’s sleepy, rub the tip of your nipple under his nose so he smells the colostrum. Really?? Make a squeezing-rubbing motion to extract some of the colostrum and rub it on his lips. But I’ve never even milked a cow? How am I supposed to milk me? Place one hand behind his neck and head, and the other on your breast while guiding his mouth onto the nipple. Don’t let him suck too shallowly, though, or you’ll be sorry! Ok, that's just... terrifying… The best, of course, was this: Sock him in the mouth! I tried again and again, while becoming increasingly sore and discouraged. I held my baby who was frustrated and crying. He preferred a shallow latch. I was told, "Don't let him!" I felt like crying too... I knew then why so many new moms give up on breastfeeding. Back at home with a new, tiny creature. A creature who was hungry! And, still, all I had to give was colostrum. Tiny droplets of protein-packed liquid. But no milk. My nipples cracked and bled. Once, my little one spit up blood - my blood! I was so sore that I winced in agony if the shower water sprayed anywhere on my chest. [By the way, thanks be to whomever invented those little round silicone nipple things - the only invention that provided modest relief in those early days.] After much self-doubt and worry, at the end of day three, my milk – seemingly out of nowhere – started to flow! And with the milk also came the tears of joy! I was thrilled to see my little one’s cheeks, chin and forehead get doused with fresh mama’s milk while I stumbled to ‘sock him in the mouth’! Thankfully, the first few weeks of the breastfeeding roller coaster came to a welcomed plateau. Just like my mom always said, my breasts did “toughen up”. [Coincidentally, this was shortly after I opened my last stash of the silicone nipple thingies!] And what magic it is to be able to provide nourishment to your child at virtually any moment of need. No need to factor in the time to clean and prepare a bottle, heat it to its proper temperature, or ensure the nipple size is adequate. It’s just there. But because breastfeeding mothers can feed virtually on demand – and feeding on demand is exactly what the docs recommend in those first few weeks – new moms are physically bound to their new bundles, and often, they are housebound. It felt so lonely sometimes. There were days when my husband left the house and returned several hours later to find me and the baby in the same position, same location, staring up at the same wall silently willing for him to "SAVE ME!" You do adapt. You acclimate. You learn to keep a few good reads next to the rocking chair, and also a full canteen of water – with a straw (there’s no way you’re unscrewing a lid). And after a while, you and baby get on a schedule! Never before had such a mundane term been so lovely!!! A SCHEDULE! What magnificence?! Aside from growth spurts, I began feeding the little one about every three hours! *Eat*Play*Sleep*Repeat* And after feeding, burping, changing and playing with him, I sometimes even had an hour to do something... for me! The journey of breastfeeding continued to evolve; a new roller coaster of ups and downs took the place of the old. There were moments of sheer doubt as I wondered, ‘Is he getting enough?’ ‘Is he growing according to the charts?’ I become an expert at poop analysis. If the hubby changed the diaper, he was not allowed to dispose of it before I had the opportunity to peer at the output! There was exhaustion, frustration and even anger when my seemingly innocent babe (who would literally die without our care!) clenched his little jaw and bit down firmly. Even without teeth, that freaking hurts! If you stick through it after this, sister you are brave. Also, if you stick through it, you’ll be rewarded with the accomplishment of teaching your tiny human that we don’t bite mama! Let us make note that even babies are capable of learning. Like most of us moms these days, at least those here in the U.S., I eventually had to return to work. For those of us who choose to continue breastfeeding, we have a new four-letter word that becomes both our best friend and our worst enemy. The PUMP. It can provide the needed relief when your one-hour meeting goes late and you get trapped in a hallway discussion and you can think of nothing else besides ‘Please don’t let-down yet…’ Yet you begin to loathe having to meticulously scrub and sanitize each tiny particle of the pump every single day, and truck it back and forth between work and home. Still, I am so grateful for a work environment that not only fosters but encourages working-nursing mothers to leave 3+ times a day… for 30+ minutes… to pump. But what one often doesn’t realize is there are certain phenomena that come with the use of a dedicated lactation room. Working mamas suddenly become excruciatingly aware of their milk supply. It is only natural to reminisce and share stories with fellow working-pumping mothers who share the space, but quickly the comparisons between supplies can fodder moments of sheer pride and self-doubt from one day to the next. There were many an evening, after the little one was tucked into bed, I lamented to my husband, “I don’t think I’m going to make it, babe!" Alas, I managed to chug along trying to make it at least halfway to my one-year goal. And around when the not-so-tiny-anymore human turned 6 months, nursing also turned... into a feat of acrobatics. Hold. Still. Child! There were days I could hardly get the squirmy sucker to remain on my lap long enough to drain half of my milk. During this phase, I had to manually pump the remaining milk after each session – every last drop – to ensure my ‘supply’ was not adversely affected. Still, I chugged along. Then, after about 8-9 months, the roller coaster took a surprisingly pleasant turn! Nursing evolved into a peaceful, quiet time where mom and babe gazed at each other. Sessions were long, and slow. The time together was just that – time together. The milk was no longer baby’s lifeblood. Instead, he yearned for the connection. I especially loved our mornings together. No matter how hurried I was to get to work, this time was for us. Twenty or more uninterrupted minutes to be slow together. And now, here we are at 12 months and seven days. I was inflicted by a whopper of a virus at 11 months, and since then my milk has slowly been declining. I can’t be sure if it was the virus or just my own body’s mystical way of “knowing” that it’s time to be done. My gut tells me it’s the latter. Although I’m saddened at a future that doesn't include our special mornings together, I am so thankful to have accumulated over 365 days of them. They have amassed into an even bigger love than that which I felt when the nurses first placed him on my chest. Since becoming a Mom, I've concertedly decided to refrain from spewing advice. Advice should really be sought and delivered minimally and with much care. Too much can lead to self-doubt. Parenting, being one of the most important roles you may ever take on, requires a certain closeness between you and your family. And YOU know what's best. With that said, I conclude with two small points. First, breastfeeding is HARD. It’s also beautiful and magical and all those things. But it is extremely hard – not just in the beginning but throughout. Don’t let me or anyone else make you feel badly for choosing formula. Or maybe you try breastfeeding for one day, or one month, or heck! Maybe two years?! Or maybe you decide to exclusively pump your milk and bottle feed your baby due to other factors not mentioned here. It is your choice. You will make the right decision for you, your baby, your family and your unique circumstances. Secondly, to any new mamas out there, please remember that you are a human being, not a machine. Your body grew your baby from a pile of cells to a kicking, hiccuping fetus. And if breastfeeding is your choice, place trust in your body. So long as you are taking good care of yourself, trust that your body will produce the exact amount and type of nourishment for your growing baby. And if you have low-supply days here and there, that’s okay. Your milk supply can ebb and flow, just like us, depending on various factors (e.g., how much you have slept, your natural hormonal shifts, etc.). Try not to focus on the ounce. Trust in your body and your baby. Thanks for reading. Better, thanks for allowing me this catharsis; to express some of my thoughts on one of the most enlightening of life's experiences. I can safely say, I get it now...
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AuthorVanessa Ann, a writer and environmentalist. She possesses a Master of Applied Science in Environmental Policy & Management from the University of Denver. Her writing, at times, can be... a little sarcastic with just a dash of snarky. Archives
June 2019
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Vanessa is also a long-time contributing author (and former President) for the Sustainability Alliance of the University of Denver. Check out her published newsletters here: Some Say the Debate is Over. Yet the Heat Won’t Seem to Go Away, November 2016 Corn. It’s In Everything & It’s No Bueno for the Environment, February 2016 The Pursuit of Sustainability, August 2015 |
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