Just 500 days ago I was in a very, very different place. I had been online dating – with two semi-serious relationships in between – for about six years, off and on. Six. Years. And y’all, I dated. I went on Lots. Of. Dates!! I likened this behavior/lifestyle to a much less sexual, but equally entertaining and cosmopolitan life of one of the main characters of Sex and the City (me being Carrie, of course, in case that wasn’t already obvious).
Why did I do this? Honestly, [and this is really honest] for a long time this pattern was perfect for my needs; it kept me feeling desired, pretty, interesting, engaging, intelligent and important. And, hello! Most definitely, I was kept wildly entertained (as were many of my girlfriends who were lucky enough to be lavishly banqueted with the first date tales [particularly juicy, were those that went horribly wrong]). But most importantly, this style of living maintained a sense of security. You see, by dating one or two (or sometimes three) guys at a time – and never feeling personally attached – allowed me to retain full control of me: my body, my feelings and my vulnerabilities. I never had to truly open up, because no one was ever that close. I never had to risk the possibility of getting hurt, because my heart was never that open. It’s just basic economics: minimal investment, minimal loss. This lifestyle of dating spiraled into such a tailspin, though, that after so many ‘eh’ and ‘horribly-bad-but-good-for-my-girlfriends’-entertainment’ dates, well I was beginning to lose it! Like………. ENOUGH is enough!!! I wasn’t ‘losin’ it’ in a cerebral way. I was losing patience; losing my ability to passively witness – and be a part of – this rather yucky, very often inappropriate, and sometimes scary behavior involved in modern day dating. Note: I’m not just talking about online; what I’m talking about is rampant in various methods and mediums of ‘courting’ these days. I was also frustrated! Where had the chivalry gone? What happened to really dating? What happened to dating to get to know another person, rather than achieve some immediate physical gratification? I wanted more. And I deserved more. And if that wasn’t achievable, just being me was good enough. In fact, it was great! So I began transitioning away from the online platform. During the transition, I had developed a folder on my computer desktop. This folder was titled (get this!!!): “Douchebags of the Sea”. [I’ll give you one guess, by the way, which online dating site I used]. In this folder were dozens and dozens of images. These were images… of… well, I guess the title speaks for itself. [Excuse me while I giggle at this behavior! I’m actually having some difficulty typing… hahaha] I won’t post any of these pictures [at this very moment], but I will let my readers use the best of their imaginations. Think: Selfie of a guy flexing his oiled arm in the reflection of his own car window… during the day. Also: A floor-up picture of a shirtless man whose pants are so low the viewer is shocked to see three inches of his underwear (WHO he got to take this picture, by the way, is beyond me…). Oh and this was a good one: Guy in a power suit and tie… with his head cut out of the picture!!! *Sigh* Some day, I may choose to do something more with this folder of phenomenal goodies. But for now, I’m taking the more mature route ;) Readers. You need a climax. Don’t worry. I got one for ya. So I was ready to be done. I was ready to press the ‘Cancel’ button on my online profile. But before I did this – just days before – something in me decided to send one last message to… one last man. I expected nothing of it, to be honest. The message was sent in an almost rote or robotic way. But this man responded. And his response was nothing like I had ever read before. This man got to know a bit about me, and before too long, he asked me on a date (100% of which he planned). He picked me up. [Note: Standard protocol when online dating dictates that both parties arrive separately to a public place, and the female often carries a full bottle of mace. But for some reason – there’s that some reason again – I guess, well, I guess I felt I could trust him.] He opened doors for me. He engaged me in lively and real conversation. He was clearly in awe of me (though never inappropriately). Well, I’ll just say it: He swept me away. And at the end of the evening, he opened my car door, walked me to my apartment door………… and gave me a small, closed-mouth peck! ‘THAT’S IT??’ I thought! But that wasn’t it. Today marks the 502nd day I’ve been so fortunate to share with this same man. And he still opens all my doors. Wishing a very special happy birthday to my guy. There’s no way – no way – I could have gotten any luckier! And I leave you all with this. Remember, there are a lot of ways to safeguard our hearts from being smashed. And there is a veritable schmorgesborg of maintaining control of one’s life. But, aren’t our lives meant to be lived? And, aren’t our hearts meant to love? “So we shall let the reader answer this question for himself: who is the happier man, he who has braved the storm of life and lived or he who has stayed securely on shore and merely existed?” ― Hunter S. Thompson Just last week, I was going to write about… well, frankly, it was going to be a whole lot of ‘Woe is me’ bullshit. [It’s my shit, by the way, so can call it whatever I want, including “bull”!] But seriously! I drafted a solid start to this blog! The intro went a bit like this: Why is that whenever I am just about to think or say the words, “Gee, it’s been a while. I think I’m due for some new inspiration to write”…. then BOOM! It hits me! There it comes; something exceptionally shitty comes right along in my life?”
So earlier this week, I was reeling from the aftermath of destroying my chances of having a second interview with a pretty cool organization. [I earned that second interview, by the way. I also, subsequently, lost it… just a few days before it was scheduled to happen.] As you can perhaps imagine, there were some accompanying emotions. That said, right about the moment I was ready to enter the sad, unproductive, black hole of, “This just isn’t right. This just isn’t FAIR!”… Boom! [Recognize the ‘boom’?] This lost opportunity left a very ugly-icky-dark feeling with me. It was a bad place. And, trust me, there were a lot of thoughts that were geared-up and ready to be channeled into some high-powered, amped-up inspiration for me to write! Alas, I did not complete the ‘Boom/Woe-Is-Me’ (with a dash of fire and gusto) blog. Why? Well, because Life got in the way. Friccin LIFE, man! Just like Mother Nature does on occasion, earlier this week, Life provided one of its best reality checks. And it did so in one of its best ways. [You know, the way that makes you want to PUNCH it right in its stupid, annoying, mocking, life face?!?!?!] Last week, I was informed that my friend has a 10cm tumor surrounding his colon. This is my friend Steve. Steve is married to a most amazing, kind, generous person named Chris. Steve and Chris received the numbing news just hours after the U.S. Supreme Court declared that same sex marriage is officially legal in all states. So on this day, the day we celebrated them – their finally dignified marriage, their love, and the basic right to love – my friend was informed that his time to rejoice might actually be… quite…………… limited. No one deserves to be inflicted with diseases like cancer. But it strikes me as so horribly unfair when a person – a good person – is dealt more than his fair share of tough cards in such a short lifetime. And then, then you’ve got the reverse! What sense can be made when there are also people who make such incredibly screwed up decisions – and hurt so many others along the way? And then, some of these people seem to get so many second chances at making amends!! In these cases, I must ask, where is the justice? I don’t know if there’s some sort of master puppeteer or dictator who’s got this all pre-planned and this thing called “life” is being executed exactly according to said plan. But if I did, I would very much like to have a chat with him or her. I don’t know what happens after our bodies shrivel up and get old; or after we take in that last breath of air, after our hearts stop, after our bodily functions cease, and after our brains terminate. I don’t know. But I do know something. I know that there is an unstoppable and impenetrable drive in me to try to do good things. Some may call this morality. Regardless of the title, I also know that when I do good things, I feel amazing! But, please, don’t get me wrong. I am not perfect. I. Make Mistakes. Lost of ‘em! And I am not 100% altruistic with my life decisions. A far cry. But this little bit of knowledge I hold – despite all the unknowns – provides me with, at the very least, a sense of direction. And also………. a sense of………….. peace. Even when shit seems to hit the proverbial fan (like with Steve and Chris, or even with my own personal drama du jour), we do have a powerful tool in our toolbox. We can do anything in our power to love and support them. If you choose to show that love and support, for goodness sake, go forth! And if you’d like to help Steve in a financial sense, here’s the way. [p.s. What’s bizarrely weird (I learned) is when you help them, it’s actually YOU who will feel SO GOOD. Regardless of the actual outcome. And, sadly, the ultimate, ultimate outcome is not up to any of us. But most inspiringly, this is a reminder that even when shit SUCKS, we actually do have some control. We do! So the moral of this story? I don’t know about you, but for me, it’s goes a bit like this: Remember what’s important in life. For me, that means giving proper nutrition, rest, challenge and exercise to provide to my body with endurance and strength. Rejoice others’ successes, and provide support and logic behind the losses. Remember what this short time on earth really means (regardless of what happens, or what one believes will happen afterwards). Spend more time loving and less time judging. Find forgiveness, even when it seems impossible. Possess a desire to do ALL of this with ultimate kindness, care, intellect, curiosity, love, generosity and humor. Every day is a challenge to keeping in line with these personal “tenants”. Yes, every day. But I know (guys…. I. KNOW.) it is right. At least for me. Special love goes out, tonight, to my mom. Special SPECIAL thanks goes out to the ability to have such independent thoughts. Happy fourth! ~V |
AuthorVanessa Ann, a writer and environmentalist. She possesses a Master of Applied Science in Environmental Policy & Management from the University of Denver. Her writing, at times, can be... a little sarcastic with just a dash of snarky. Archives
June 2019
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Vanessa is also a long-time contributing author (and former President) for the Sustainability Alliance of the University of Denver. Check out her published newsletters here: Some Say the Debate is Over. Yet the Heat Won’t Seem to Go Away, November 2016 Corn. It’s In Everything & It’s No Bueno for the Environment, February 2016 The Pursuit of Sustainability, August 2015 |
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