Like any good addict who’s on the mend, I am forcing my hand; I am forcefully removing my drug of choice. Freeing myself! It didn’t start like this, of course. It was all fun and games in the beginning. But more recently, I’ve found it to be a very unhealthy substance, and I imagine it will be no better in the next few months to come. Facebook. I will with all my might stay far away from this social media tool in the name of my health and happiness. This decision to take a Facebook Sabbatical, if you will, was surprisingly not a very hard one to make. Conversations like this, and so many more, made it remarkably clear. But, I won’t get ahead of myself. Let’s take it one day at a time, right?!
I want to say, before saying anything more, thank you. Thank you all for engaging in the discussions – those of you who are kind, reasonable, and respectful that is. I do so appreciate that. The conversation I started was not intended to change anyone’s minds. It was one of genuine curiosity (and, well, perhaps a little dismay). I’ll admit, I still struggle so much with (A) where we’ve found ourselves as a country, but more importantly (B), how we’re going to one day explain any of this to our children, our grandchildren?! And then there’s (C) the painful internal struggle I deal with knowing the people who taught me to be good, who taught me right from wrong, are now in support of a political candidate who I can only describe as horribly wrong. This is a person who has consistently – over years and decades – degraded his fellow humanity. A person who has engaged in disgraceful practices that no good businessperson would call business. A person who’s behavior says he’ll go to any length – no matter who he has to lie to or cheat or ruin – to better himself. A person who will skirt paying taxes to build himself an empire. A person who lies – blatantly lies! A person who is recorded saying X one day, and the next day has the audacity to say he did not say X! And perhaps most horrifying, a person who does not care for this planet, our home. Instead, he believes it’s for the taking – his taking. Please! Let me be crystal clear. I am not talking about any other candidate. I am talking about one person and you know whom it is. Just him. It bothers me just a little (no, it bothers me a lot) that the conversation I started (perhaps shouldn’t have) and most of the politico pundits’ discussions, as well, all end up falling apart. Folks on all sides end up resorting to attacking the other candidate rather than staying on subject. This is just one of many fallacious argument tactics I continuously see, rather than the use of proper logic. So, I had to really dust off the part of my brain that houses my lessons from Philosophy 101: Logics that I took second semester of freshmen year… But I believe what’s happening in these discussions falls into the category of Ethics Fallacies, Myths, Distortions and Rationalizations. I had mentioned this once before in another FB conversation (maybe I’m a complete masochist or something… ha!), but the evidence I’m seeing and hearing time and time again all point to a phenomenon called cognitive dissonance. This is something we all have the power to do. It often takes place when a person (let’s call this Person A) admires another person (Person B), but Person B engages in behavior that Person A actually finds disgusting. This causes internal conflict! There is a huge gulf between the Person A’s admiration for Person B (a positive attitude) and Person A’s objection of Person B’s actions (a negative attitude). The positive and the negative do not attract like magnets! Instead, they have to be reconciled. So how does Person A do this? Well, if Person A rejects Person B’s behavior, then Person A will have to reject Person B. But what if Person A doesn’t want to do that? There’s a few ways around that. Most often, Person A simply decides to reduce the level of his or her disapproval of Person B’s behavior. That simple! “It’s not really that bad.” “It’s not that bad to lie, and cheat, and hurt others.” “It’s not really that bad to not pay your fair share of taxes.” “It’s not really that bad to objectify women and determine their worth based on their breast size.” HA! I mean, isn’t it amazing? The power of our psyches! I swear, if I could have learned to sleep at night AND continue to work with psychologically messed in the head people, you’d be calling me Dr. Schoenecker by now. Alas… Anyway. I joke. But the result of cognitive dissonance is scary, especially when it happens on a large scale (Ever heard of groupthink? Ever heard of the Holocaust?). This validation of unethical behavior creates a downward shift in our basic and most important societal norms and values. What’s next? Public torture? I believe we had that, right? Salem Witch… or something like that?! Guys, I dated a narcissist. I was dragged down, hurt and drained by this person. So, I guess maybe I have the ability to see one when it comes around. Narcissism is an ugly disease. You might think you can’t really compare mental disorders? But ohhhh yes you can! The same way you can compare drug addicts. Marijuana addicts might be lazy, and stupid, and even downright mean if they can’t get their high. But meth heads become evil. They lose their humanity. They will run over anything or anyone to get their drug. In the same vein, people who suffer from bipolar disorder (or manic depression) might like their ups, but they certainly do not enjoy their downs. Do you think schizophrenics enjoy hearing voices that they cannot tell are real? Do you think they like feeling crazy? Depressed people might try to find their cure in the bottom of a bottle, or sometimes, by taking their own lives. What I’m saying is these mental disorders tend to make people search for an answer. A way out! A way to feel normal and so they can regain a sense of community! Narcissism. Narcissism actually thresholds and feeds and grows its victims. So much so that the “victim” is no longer a victim. The narcissist is, itself, its own horrible entity that runs over anything in its way; that uses and abuses any living thing in its path; that lies and manipulates and then takes and destroys. And what’s worst, the narcissist never feels an ounce of remorse! Rather, the despicable acts are only fuel for the fodder. I expect one of you reading this is in a relationship with a very controlled person. Almost a machine. That relationship can seem so one-sided, and so unfair. And sometimes you want more. You yearn for more. I see that. But, at the end of the day, at least that “machine” is still human. And once in a while he does show he loves you. I imagine another one of you reading this is in a relationship with a person who has wronged you so many times and in so many ways, that there’s no way to even count. But your amazing ability to forgive (and perhaps some other factors) has brought you back together. But that’s not it. It’s not just you – it’s him! He had to become vulnerable. He had to admit to his wrongs. He has to live every subsequent day trying to make up for those wrongs, knowing that they will never be forgotten but hopefully most will find it in their hearts to forgive – like you have. I see relationships that are, perhaps not great, but are rarely futile. Engaging with a narcissist – no matter the type or level of engagement – is, in my opinion, a lost cause. Thank goodness, for me, I got out of my relationship with a narcissist. Escape. And after a bit of healing, I found myself in a new relationship. One that is so healthy, so beautiful, that it really ought not to even be mentioned amongst such subjects. It ought to be placed far away from this – in its very own category. For it is a relationship founded on ultimate respect for one another. It is one of dignity. It is so bursting with unconditional love that strangers can literally see and feel it! It is, I believe, what every good person deserves to find – every one of you reading this. I will conclude with my lessons in engaging in healthy discussions; to use “I feel” statements that are free from blame, negativity or demands. To my friends and family whom I love so much: When you say you support an unethical person, I feel hurt. When you justify immoral acts, I feel sad. When you have the individual right to stand up against wrongful and hurtful things in this world, and choose not to, I feel ashamed. Thank you for reading. And, I guess, thank you for inspiring me to write if nothing else! It’s been a while. She is clothed with strength and dignity and laughs without fear of the future - Proverbs 31:25
1 Comment
Aimee
10/9/2016 07:39:17 pm
I love you Ness.
Reply
Leave a Reply. |
AuthorVanessa Ann, a writer and environmentalist. She possesses a Master of Applied Science in Environmental Policy & Management from the University of Denver. Her writing, at times, can be... a little sarcastic with just a dash of snarky. Archives
June 2019
CategoriesWant more?
Vanessa is also a long-time contributing author (and former President) for the Sustainability Alliance of the University of Denver. Check out her published newsletters here: Some Say the Debate is Over. Yet the Heat Won’t Seem to Go Away, November 2016 Corn. It’s In Everything & It’s No Bueno for the Environment, February 2016 The Pursuit of Sustainability, August 2015 |
Proudly powered by Weebly